Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
me refusing to leave twitter
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king