see you in hell you stupid fruit
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking