@IvoryGazelle: The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
@IvoryGazelle: God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
@IvoryGazelle: [after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
@IvoryGazelle: [preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
@IvoryGazelle: Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
@IvoryGazelle: Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
@IvoryGazelle: [on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
@IvoryGazelle: Me: *holding my dog* it's his 3rd birthday so technically he's 21
Bouncer: Still no