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Page of IvoryGazelle's best tweets

@IvoryGazelle : shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

@IvoryGazelle: The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

@IvoryGazelle: God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

@IvoryGazelle: [after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

@IvoryGazelle: [preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

@IvoryGazelle: Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

@IvoryGazelle: Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

@IvoryGazelle: [on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

@IvoryGazelle: Me: *holding my dog* it's his 3rd birthday so technically he's 21
Bouncer: Still no

@IvoryGazelle: [rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange