Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Elephant: oh no
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises