NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
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Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.