Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.