cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…
What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.