Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…
What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.