*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
wow he looks just like him
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.