[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My dryer is celebrating lint.