Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”