I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I’m too immature for adultery.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!