ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
The glockness monster
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.