I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
The first one, obviously
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time