Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
yeah 😭
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”