Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
i smell a pulitzer
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes