“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
In banana years, I am bread.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
That’s easy for you to say
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.