Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
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I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Meow
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.