*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
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“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no