For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.