Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”