Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋