The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Beware of fowl play.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s