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@JDBooie : The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
@JDBooie: Sorry I'm late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
@JDBooie: My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
@JDBooie: "I love you and I will always keep you safe."
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
"I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe."
@JDBooie: TSA training manager: "What would you do upon finding a kilo of cocaine?"
ME: "A lot of cocaine."
@JDBooie: Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.