Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason