🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
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I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.