Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of JJSummertime's best tweets

@JJSummertime : Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

@JJSummertime: If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

@JJSummertime: A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

@JJSummertime: My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

@JJSummertime: "Why do birds suddenly appear?"

To shit on my newly washed car, that's why.

@JJSummertime: Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

@JJSummertime: Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

@JJSummertime: My husband's family tree is more like a rosebush.
It's filled with pricks.

@JJSummertime: Show me a good ab workout and I'll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

@JJSummertime: Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a "Swear Jar" onto the counter*