*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
This came to me in a dream.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Mountain Goat : )
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is