@JLazySAngus

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

@JLazySAngus

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.