I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Aaaa…CHOO!
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*