Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.