First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.