My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon