Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer š³
Bluetick 1: I know š thatās just Twitter though isnāt it š
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending loveā¤ļø
Bluetick 1: ā¤ļø
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
7YO: Maybe Iāll behave tomorrow and then youāll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying āmaybe?ā
Her: I donāt know the future
Okay, Iāll bite, what is āthe Beatlesā
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
professor x: whatās your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: whatās your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
Iām gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, āWell at least now I know what youāre getting for Valentineās Day.ā YALL.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WEāRE FREE!
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.