First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Ugh
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I was just discussing this with my cat
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.