You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
FINE, I WON’T.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.