when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
🙁
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!