To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
so i’m at the stock market right
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.