Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
ready to be harvested
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT