I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!