Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[overheard at a 7 year old鈥檚 birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 馃槻
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn鈥檛 this shovel working?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don鈥檛 know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I鈥檓 actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate