If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Monday Lisa
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain