“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.