I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
You Might Also Like
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
lol
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy