A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.