(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.