oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
i prefer mine room temperature.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Brilliant!
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns