I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*