@Jake_Vig

For those of you keeping track, so far:

Regular wildfires
Pandemic
Locusts
Volcano eruption
Radioactive wildfires

Whoever is out there saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”-

STOP

@Jake_Vig

Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

@Jake_Vig

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

@Jake_Vig

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

@Jake_Vig

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@Jake_Vig

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

@Jake_Vig

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.