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Page of Jake_Vig's best tweets

@Jake_Vig : CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

@Jake_Vig: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

@Jake_Vig: The legends speak of a third Duran...

@Jake_Vig: There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

@Jake_Vig: In every artist's depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there's always one T-Rex looking up at it like "That can’t be good."

@Jake_Vig: Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@Jake_Vig: I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

@Jake_Vig: VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

@Jake_Vig: A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

@Jake_Vig: If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.