Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I can also cook 😂
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions