History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.