I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
What number SPF blocks people?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.